Sir Robert III of Trosset was born in Trossetshire, England, the first son of the Earl and Lady of Trosset. Growing weary of the staid life of the country gentleman, he emigrated to the United States at the tender age of 4 years old, intent on pursuing his dream of joining the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. After disembarking from the cargo ship he’d smuggled himself across the sea in (sleeping in a cargo container full of knock-off Care Bears from China), he became disoriented in the busy, hectic streets of New York City. In his confusion, he hopped on a train bound for Chicago, rather than the desired train bound for Salt Lake City. Upon his arrival in Chicago, he wandered the streets, puzzled by the fact that he was surrounded by constant rain and wind, rather than the desert oasis of polygamy he’d always heard Utah to be. Only when he walked by a pizza parlor, advertising “Chicago’s Finest Deep Dish Pizza” did he realize his error. Determined to make the best of things, he decided to stop in Papa Mario’s Pizzaria and have a slice of that most delectable of American cuilinary triumphs, the cheese pizza.

The proprietor, Papa Mario himself, took pity on the young English gentleman, and decided to adopt him and teach him the secrets of the perfect pizza crust. Several quiet years passed by, full of flying pizza dough and countless hours of backgammon with Papa Mario. One steamy Chicago summer night, as young Trosset lounged on the fire escape, enjoying the view of laundry hanging across the alley while someone played a saxophone softly down the street, he witnessed a puzzling sight. The biggest pick-up truck he’d ever seen in all his 18 years had just pulled up to Papa Mario’s back door in the alley, and a rough-looking man in a pinstriped suit got out and walked into the apartment. He seemed to be demanding money from Papa Mario, for “protection.” Young Trosset had seen such things in The Godfather, and asked himself (as he had so many times over the years) “What would Marlon Brando do?” The answer to that question was to eat a large amount of spaghetti. After doing so, he then asked himself “What would Tony Montana do?” Grabbing one of Papa Mario’s machine guns from the display case in his bedroom, Robert snuck downstairs, and proceeded to rain down fire and brimstone on the man in the pinstriped suit. Sources claim that he screamed “Say hello to my little friend!” while doing so.

When the smoke cleared, Papa Mario gazed in astonishment at young Trosset, then began frantically cursing in Italian. Fortunately, Robert’s grasp of the Italian language was tenuous at best, so he remained blissfully unaware of the obscenities Papa Mario was hurling at him. After Papa Mario calmed down a bit, they began packing up Robert’s scant belongings, and made arrangements to flee Chicago, before the rest of La Familia descended upon them. Papa Mario sent Robert to a cousin in the quiet little village of Key West, Florida. Robert never saw Papa Mario again; however, sources say that Papa Mario now leads a quiet life as a plumber, working alongside his brother Luigi. The cousin in Key West, Jorge, taught Robert a new trade- fishing.

Robert Trosset III settled happily into life in Key West, and now runs Finz Fishing Charters. His love of cheese pizza remains, and he currently drives the second-largest pickup truck in the state of Florida.

Subtropic Dive Center Employee of the Month: July 2010